Running while a hypochondriac

Posted: November 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

A week ago, I went to Disney World and entered the larger community of runners by running my first 5K. I ran it in 39:00, which is slow as molasses but I did run it from beginning to end. As soon as I saw the finish line, I thought, “Already? Let’s do that again!” I take this reaction to mean I’m ready to face down training for a half-marathon.

For the past week, however, I have had the inconvenience of a very painful knee. Seriously, it’s been hard not to limp at times between my car and the building where I work. This morning is the first time I woke up without the pain, which tells me two things: 1) It’s time to start running again, and 2) Before I do, I need to get a knee brace.

My rational side doesn’t mind doing what I need to do to keep my body in one piece. The only problem is that to find the right kind of brace, I have to do research, which is like catnip for the hypochondriac in me. Here’s how it tends to go:

ME: “For general soreness.” Yep this is probably all I need.

HYPOCHONDRIAC ME: Are you sure? Have you even looked up your symptoms. I mean look at this one. It’s for patella tracking. Do you even know what patella tracking is?!

M: No, but—

HM: If you don’t know what it is, how do you know you don’t have it?

M: Well, then let’s look it up and see if it fits.

HM: I approve of this plan. So, what does Google say?

M: Google brought me to WebMD, which says patellar tracking disorder is caused by “the shape of the patella; too tight or too loose muscles and tendons in the leg, foot, or hip areas; damage to cartilage; and overuse.”

HM: OVERUSE! You were at Disney World! You walked all over that bitch for like three whole days!

M: Well, I suppose, but none of the other—

HM: OVERUSE! And probably cartilage damage too, for all you know.

M: I guess if I wanted to be sure I can always go to a doctor.

HM: And get some quack? Nonsense. You need a specialist.

M: Well, if it’s for my health—

SCROOGE McDUCK ME: Excuse me? A specialist? Will there be follow-up visits? Unnecessary prescriptions? Pointless tests? Will you have to miss work? Exactly how much is this going to cost?

HM: This is an A/B conversation, Scrooge. C your way out of it.

SME: No, no, no. I approved a budget that included one item: a knee brace. I’m shutting this down now before it goes too far.

What can I say? Some people have angels and demons sitting on their shoulders; I have a hypochondriac and an accountant. At least she didn’t try to convince me I have knee cancer or something.

Just out of curiosity, I wonder what Google has to say about knee cancer . . .


What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s